I have long
waited for the day where I can have that moment in an elevator where I just say
or do something that is completely out of the norm (aside from marveling at the
steelwork, or watching the numbers light up above the doors as I go up floor by
floor)--the moment that catches everyone else in the elevator off-guard and
throws them into a tizzy-ish state, or makes them feel like schmucks for not
being sociable and even saying so much as a "hello" while sharing the
same confined airspace with strangers for 15 seconds (although, I never really
want to spark up a conversation with anyone I’m not not genuinely interested
in, so this whole scenario really is a catch-22 for me). Well, some older lady
totally stole my moment in a whole foods parking garage/elevator.
There were
four or five of us boarding the steel box, one of which being this fun-looking
(note, not funny-looking, although, her knit cap and pink lipstick made me chuckle
a little inside) older woman, whose name, I’ll guess, was "Gertie." I
would say she was in her early to mid-seventies (mind you, my age and name
approximations are about as good as my distance and length measuring without a
ruler or tape measure, or my ability to decipher which side of the street is
south/north/east/or west when the sun is not up or I am without my compass that
I don't own). She was talking outside of the elevator, which, I later realized,
was to no one in particular, just those of us who were in earshot. I have no
clue what she was talking about, because I didn't think she was directing
anything to me in particular. And because, I live in my own little world most
of the time and tune everyone else out....or because I was on the lookout for
my would-be significant other, who I imagine I would just happen to run into
one day in a whole foods parking lot (I hear the alias and never been
kissed hottie Michael Vartan met his fiancé in a whole foods parking lot,
and the rest will be Hollywood happily-almost-ever-after history for them).
Anyway...
The doors
opened and we all took our respective places within the elevator, careful not
to stand anywhere near each other or make eye contact. "Gertie" just
kept on talking, which is when I realized, it was directed at no one in
particular. And then, right there, she called each and every one of us out,
mid-sentence. "Operation: elevator jackass" had commenced, although,
shamefully, it was not by my doing. And as she continued her rant, without
missing a beat, she went into, "and of course we all become anti-social in
an elevator, which makes no sense. 'Let's not say anything and sit in our own
quietness, two feet from each other.' ridiculous really...."
I initially
was looking down as she began spouting this geniosity, and then quickly looked
up at her when I realized what was happening, sort of with a, "how dare
you!" look, mixed with an "exactly!" and a slightly solemn,
"this is what my future looks like, in a knit cap and hot pink
lipstick." I chuckled, and heard other people smile (you know, the
kind of smile that is accompanied by a short, small puff of air that comes out
of the nose, sort of signaling the beginning of amusement, but an action that
is very non-committal and can quickly be turned into a fake cough or heavy sigh
in case no one else thinks the moment is funny, thereby averting being the lone
laugher). I wanted to say something, but that would have sounded forced, like I
was only lending something to the conversation because she had brought up the
fact that I was being anti-social and, effectively, stupid. "Silly,
really..." she continued, "I don't understand why people don't
acknowledge each other in an elevator, they just look at the lights or at their
own stupid shoes," or something to that effect. I was in a state of shock,
so I may not have been hearing what was really being said.
Ding. We reached the ground level of the
store. It was only one floor we had to climb, it took all of about 7.2 seconds,
but it felt like an eternity. The doors opened and filled the elevator with a
sense of relief, and everyone shuffled out quickly, as I just stood there,
watching the lady waddle out, shaking her head in disappointment, as the sorry
saps she shared only a few seconds in the elevator with left without saying a
word. I just stood there, unable to move and amazed at what had just happened.
As the doors began to close, I snapped out of my daze and hit the button to
open the doors again and slowly walked out, feeling more than a bit defeated.
There it was, and there it went. My
moment, almost staring me in the face, future almost meeting present....I’ll
say "almost" because "Gertie" did not go the extra length
of spontaneously throwing her arms around a stranger and whispering, "I’m
just so happy you're here," as she nestled her head into their shoulder,
as I imagine I would do. But had she done that, I’m pretty sure it would have
been game over for the mystery of the life that lies before me. And that would
have been the exact future I would have not wanted to meet at a whole foods...I
can't stand lipstick.
